Author: northstar

I know what it’s like to feel completely alone at a party filled with tens of people.

To look around and see if anyone notices.

I feel like they don’t.

Thing is, I don’t know if people think that about me. I don’t know if they think that I go home after hanging out, feeling completely unnoticed and forgotten.

I feel like they don’t.

Lots of times people tell me I have my whole life together. That I have countless friends, a good life at home, a future set for me. Maybe it’s because I’m good at deceiving? I hide my insecurities and my faults behind a big smile and a confident posture.

I think a lot of people do that too.

Us humans are deceivers.

We should be more vulnerable. Open to sharing the real us. I think we would all be a lot happier.

To cry in every Nicholas Sparks movie. To have your breath taken away during a sunset. To feel that peace when you have a hot cocoa by the fire. To fall asleep to your moms lullaby’s. To sneeze and itch your nose and rub your eyes when the pollen falls. To cringe when your Hydroflask clanks on the floor. To inhale. To exhale. To love your dog even if they scratch up the floors. To shorten your breath right before your first kiss. To feel those butterflies in your stomach. To get mad when your siblings don’t close your door after they leave. To feel the stress of trying to pass your math class. To enjoy. To embrace. To feel. To indulge. To love.

I am me.

But you don’t know me.

I am an overthinker. I get obsessed with things like the Titanic. I like flowers and poetry. Expressing ordinary and relatable things into beautiful phrases. I wish I was good at it.

And I want to be ready to grow up. But I’m not. I’m not ready to outgrow cuddling with my mom, watching Disney movies with my brother, going down the pool slide, blowing bubbles from my chocolate milk. I’m most definitely not ready to go into college and into the real world. Just walking in salt lake at night scares me.

And I want to do more than just exist. I want to live. Live in every moment and embrace the struggles and the dull school days. Accept the heartbreaks and grow from them. When my time is done here, I want to look back at my life and be content. No regrets.

So that’s me. Well I like to think that’s me. Truth is, I don’t know ME yet. I’m 17 and in high school and still don’t know how to make beans and rice. That’s okay though. Because for now, I’m okay with it.